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Hurt People, Hurt People. (2015)

hurt-peopleIn Part 1 I made an obvious statement, that there are people in the world, lots of them, who are hurting. But that wasn’t the point. Stating that fact isn’t any more helpful then saying there are hungry people in the world. It’s nearly useless. So the point wasn’t to draw attention to the seemingly never ending supply of hurting people. The point was to understand that there are those among the hurting that are drowning in a pool of deep despair. Those that no matter how hard they try, just can’t seem to make it to the edge to hold on, so they can find relief, if even for a moment, from the waves of hurt crashing into them. They feel helpless and that only makes hurt worse. That was part one.

I’m not a counselor or a social worker. I’ve provided counsel at times, but I’m no professional. I haven’t done clinical work and the only understanding of psychology or counseling I have comes from a high school psych class and two master’s level pastoral counseling classes. All that equates to just enough knowledge for me to suggest that you pay a counselor if you need that kind of help. I do know that one of the more common responses to hurt is for the person to hide it away, pretend they’re fine and quietly struggle with it. Mostly this is a defense mechanism to prevent any further hurt. What I’ve also seen is that hurt people hurt people. I know that because I’ve been that and I’ve seen others in that place. I’m sure that it isn’t always intentional, but that doesn’t lessen the sting of it. That’s just the way it is. People that are hurting tend to hurt others that come close to them. Because I’m not qualified to give legitimate reasons why this might be, I’ll speculate for a moment. Maybe the saying, “misery loves company” is truer than we want to believe. Maybe some hurting people hurt others because they need or want others to feel their pain. Or, maybe some hurting people are so consumed by their hurt that they’re oblivious to how others are affected. Maybe it’s on purpose, maybe it isn’t. Since I’m not a professional, I’ll defer to the one thing I do know and believe to be true; scripture. I think hurt people, hurt people because “hatred stirs up strife. If I can postulate that, then pain stirs up misery. If anger begets anger, then hurt begets hurt.

If you’re hurting and reading this, this post isn’t for you. Keep reading, though. I want you to know what you should be looking for, but the rest of this isn’t intended for you. If you are hurting, I’ll just say this. I’m sorry you’re hurting. God doesn’t want you to hurt. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” I hope and pray that there is someone in your life that can help bring relief and can introduce you to the One that will. I suppose the entire series is written for those that aren’t currently hurting and more specifically, Christians. We’re the ones with the responsibility for proclaiming Hope to the rest of the world. I think delivering that message starts with those who are hurting.

As Christians it’s important to understand that hurt people hurt people. People that are hurting, especially if the church at large contributed to that hurt, may say or do things that appear hurtful. Mostly it isn’t personal. Even if it is, our response should be to reach beyond the “hurt begets hurt” cycle and offer a gentle response. We exist for the purpose of healing not hurting. Paul sounds it out clear when he says, “All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.” God helps us through our hard times so that we can help others through theirs.

Even though we’re commissioned by Jesus to love others, we can’t force it on them. We may well know that what we have in Jesus is for the hurting heart, but that doesn’t mean that the hurting person will always welcome you as their hero. It takes patience and continued gentleness. I’m not saying that YOU personally are the answer to the answer to the world’s woes, that’s Jesus, but you can be the answer to someone’s woes. If someone in your sphere of influence is hurting, be patiently gentle with them, offering your hand to help and your shoulder to cry on. And try not to be shocked or offended if it’s rejected. It probably will be initially, remember that they’re hurting, so be patient with them.

I’ll end with this, we don’t cause hurt. Using The Word to belittle or demean someone is wrong, even if you do it under the guise of “calling out sin.” I’ve written a lot on that topic, but calling out sinful behavior has to start INSIDE the church. The bible wasn’t given to push people from God. It was written to reveal Him to ALL of humanity. If not for all, then it’s useless. If hurt people hurt people, then healed people heal people. We’re healed people. Healing is as much our game as love, grace and forgiveness are.

Hurt People (2015)

Hurt PeopleI’ve been considering doing this for a few weeks. As I’ve written about people inside the church using Jesus to hurt or reject people, my heart has been so heavy. In 2010 I did a five-part series called Hurt People, Hurt People. Loved People, Love People. I think it was some of my best writing. Not because sentence structure was spot on or my grammar was impeccable. And not even because I think that my writing voice was solid. Back then I actually didn’t know who I wanted to be as a writer. I think it’s some of my best writing because God used it to direct my heart in some grand ways. For the last 5+ years it’s been a major part of my growth as a husband, father, friend, follower and leader. Since then, my readership has grown and my voice is a tad more solid and I want to share something that has been big for me over the years. I was just going to tweak each post some, but I couldn’t, so this one was mostly re-written. Without further ado…

People are in strife. All over the world, there are very real circumstances in which people are being marginalized and abused. They’re being kidnapped and murdered for what they believe. They’re being told that God hates them and thinks they’re vile. They’re being rejected by the very people God has called to be witnesses of Love. They’re sitting in captivity, abandoned by entire governments. They’re hurting. They’re helpless.

Ecclesiastes 4:1 says, “Again, I observed all the oppression that takes place under the sun. I saw the tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them. The oppressors have great power, and their victims are helpless.”

I saw the tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them. Just reading that should tear our hearts wide open. The fact that words, so drenched in despair and written nearly 3,000 years ago, still bear weight today, ought to stop us dead in our tracks. There are people who are bound by oppressors, ensnared in the lie that there is no hope; to understate it, it’s heart breaking. And, the fact that some of those oppressors reside in the church and call themselves followers of Jesus should make us angry. They deserve better of us. Jesus demands better of us.

No doubt we’ve all experienced hurt. If you haven’t you will. It’s never a matter of if, just when. Most of us are somehow lifted out of it. With or without Jesus, some are able to find their way out of the mire and press on. I would argue that without Jesus complete healing isn’t possible, but we’ll talk on that later. But, there are those who have been so beat down by the world, so abused and broken, that they are helplessly held by their oppressor and the thought of freedom never breaches their consciousness. They’re broken, rejected, torn apart by life and bitter against it. The worst part is that hurt doesn’t discriminate. It wreaks havoc where it sees fit and will stay until something stronger ousts it.

That’s where we fit. We’re made for hurt. More precisely we’re made for hope, for healing. 1 Corinthians 13 is one of my favorite passages of scripture, and it isn’t because everyone uses it at weddings. It’s because it’s the remedy for hurt. If God is love, and as Christians we should know that to be true, then 1 Cor 13:13 reveals God to us. It says, “But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.” God is telling us to spend excessive amounts of love on others. That’s the remedy for hurt. We’ll talk more about that later, also, but in the meantime…

There are hurting people all around us, some sitting literally in the chair next to you. They are helpless against the power of their oppressors. They are crying out, tears not always visible, but there nonetheless. We are called to show them hope, who is Christ. The best way to reveal Jesus to Hurt People is love.

Transparency isn’t the best you have to offer.

Transparency

Transparency is often billed as on of the most important traits a leader can have. I mean, people like the Dalai Lama saying things like, “A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.” How do you argue with the Dalai Lama? I assume if you tried, he might just hug you. The point being, if you were to ask any number of leaders what are the most important traits of leadership, odds are transparency would be on that list. But, I’m not convinced that transparency is the best that a leader has to offer. I’ll can take that a step further and say that I’m not even sure that transparency is the best you can offer to the community of people you’re doing life with.

When we talk about transparency there’s this idea that it means our life is completely open for others to observe and peer into. We also attach the idea of being completely honest with our thoughts, feelings, emotions and struggles. That transparency is supposed to extend to anyone who has even the slightest connection to you; if you’re a leader, that means any one that follows you. If you’re in community with others, that means everyone you “do” life with.  Leaders talk about the importance of transparency in community and then try to demonstrate it by example. Unfortunately, I know enough leaders to know that transparency is often more of a pipe dream than something that is actually fully practiced. But it isn’t for not wanting to. I think people know there is a benefit to allowing others equal access to the attractive and unattractive areas of their life. The problem is that fear of being hurt or taken advantage of is stronger than the desire for openness in our relationships. The truth is that sometimes there’s no benefit to either party in allowing that type of full access. So, we tell others how important transparency is, while hiding certain areas, and pretending that you’re living a life of full disclosure. That’s not the best. At the least it creates false closeness in our relationships. At the worst, it creates unrealistic expectations, setting people (leaders especially) on pedestals. When those expectations aren’t met, or a leader fails in an area, it’s devastating. Transparency forces you to say, “Everyone has access to every part. No matter how private or hurtful.” It removes that ability to differentiate the depths of our different relationships.

So, if transparency isn’t the best, what is? I’m going to say a word that no doubt has been over used in the past ten years; Authenticity. I know, I know. You’re mind probably just flashed to some saggy-beanie wearing, Christian hipster who’s sitting in a hole-in-the-wall coffee-house, drinking his reverse-drip, syphon-separated, goat-milk, half-caff, latte and talking about how he’s seeking an authentic faith in an authentic missional community of authentic believers pursuing authentic communal living. But, it’s overuse doesn’t diminish the truth of it’s importance. I think that authenticity trumps transparency every time. Authentic is simply being real, or genuine, with others. It doesn’t try to force you to open areas that you may not be ready to open. Authentic allows you to say, “I am deeply struggling with something, but it isn’t for you to know about. Instead, it’s reserved for two other people who are helping me walk through it.” Authenticity allows you to be honest with others, while still maintaining a wise level of privacy. Authenticity allows you the ability to be really real with everyone, while allowing you the freedom to cultivate depth in a few really important relationships. Authentic allows you to be open with those people who will help you grow and avoid openness with those that would just assume tear you down.

With that said, transparency isn’t useless and shouldn’t be abandoned. In systems and structures transparency is crucial. If you tithe to a church, 100% transparency in those financial records is necessary for accountability sake. Transparency in your mission as a community is equally necessary, because people should to be able to easily perceive the motives of your group. Transparency in your leadership building process allows people to know what to expect as you work through developing them. Transparency in the context of systems provides the ability for people joining you in community to see more clearly into what they’re joining. Transparency in structures and programs works far better than it does as a trait for a person.

When you shoot for authentic, you get the right amount of transparency with the right people.

Tweet: When you shoot for authentic, you get the right amount of transparency with the right people. | #ApproachGod http://ctt.ec/Udr4s+

If I’m being completely transparent here, we’re not going to ever be completely open to everyone, nor should we be, but we can be completely real with everyone. Some people won’t understand or accept that, but those are the people who solidify the argument that it doesn’t benefit everyone for you to give unfettered access to everyone. When you shoot for authentic, you get the right amount of transparency with the right people.

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