Tag: Divorce

The best way for Christians to teach same-gender married couples a lesson

Lessons-LearnedIt’s actually pretty simple and I’m surprised that more Christians haven’t thought of this. With celebrities, like Brangelina and David Pocock and his partner Emma Palandri (I’ll call them Dama or Emmavid), vowing not to get married until same-gender marriage is legal, the likely Christian counter-point response should be obvious… DIVORCE. That’s right, divorce. You should feel stupid for not coming up with that idea yourself. But not all of us Christians are inept to the right way to get our point across that same-gender marriage will ruin all marriage. Nick and Sarah Jensen figured out this little gem of a protest for us.

Evidently, Nick and Sarah have warned the Australian government that should they legalize same-gender marriage later this year, then they “…as a matter of conscience, refuse to recognise the government’s regulation of marriage…” The couple says that they’re happily married and plan to stay together, even having more children, but should the definition of marriage change, they will not partake in it, thus landing themselves in “Ye Ol’Divorce Court.” Hopefully the Australian government heeds this warning because as a Christian, honestly I’d like not to have to live through the pain of reading this in the news or on my social media feeds and then having to write about how atrociously ridiculous it is.

I understand that many Christians feel the need to openly uphold their conviction about how the bible defines marriage. I get it, it’s important to you and a sensitive subject that has caused a lot of frustration and hurt on both sides of the issue. But what’s more important to me is how God views how sacred I treat marriage, not whether I get the government to acknowledge my belief. Honestly, I don’t share my view publicly because it doesn’t matter what I publicly think the definition of marriage is. What does matter is my personal private view. The way that I hold and esteem marriage as a covenant between my wife and I before God is a private affair and I hope that the evidence in how I treat her and speak of her reveals my view publicly. Being a Christian always comes back to how I follow Jesus, never how good I am at making sure the government legislates morality. The thing that pains me the most is the extent to which Christians will go in an attempt to prove a point.

The fact that this couple is willing to take something that in their view is “…a fundamental order of creation, part of God’s intimate story for human history…” and sully it with something that God outrightly says he hates blows my mind. Listen to what’s going on here: a Christian couple who say marriage is a sacred covenant, created by God, is using divorce, a man-made procedure created to destroy that covenant and something  that God hates and Jesus said only exists because we’re hardhearted, to prove just how sacred marriage is.  Does that make any sense? Because for me, it sounds as close to unbiblical as anything I can think of. On top of that, they’re going to stay together and have sex, outside the legal bounds of marriage, because marriage is between them and God. Got it. No muddy water there. This is almost like saying, “If the government makes abortion legal, I’m going to quit having kids.” What?

I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it, the bible is the standard by which WE, confessed followers of Jesus, are called to live. It is not a list of sins and right behaviors that we’re supposed to use to tell the world how wrong they are and how much they need to change. The bible is meant for His kingdom citizens, and yes, some day that Kingdom will be here and yes we’re called to start living in the image of that while we’re on earth (the whole “in the world, not of it” bit), but yelling at people and getting divorced aren’t really good ways to do that. Jesus never intended on changing the culture, He intends to change us and that only comes through communion with Him, and getting divorced isn’t part of that. Once you’ve confessed Him, you’re supposed to tell people about Him and then allow the Holy Spirit, not you, to lead them into truth, while you walk through it with them. That’s done through love and relational communion with others. It’s surely not done by divorcing your spouse. Christians, we can do better.

The worst part is that while all the gay people are going to be getting the tax benefits of being married, who’s going to lobby for tax protection for people that get divorced as an act of protecting their religious freedom, but intend to still continue to co-habitat, as if married, while having children out of wedlock? Maybe the Australian ACLU? Does that organization exist? Anyone interested in starting it if it doesn’t?

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Dating in the Midst of Divorce

Bandaged HeartThis post will be a slight departure from my normal article topics. I’ve
been contemplating this post for quite awhile. I wasn’t sure how to write
it, but I’ve had conversations with enough people that I think it’s an
important topic and, if you’re Christian (but even if you’re not), it
absolutely has everything to do with following Jesus well. Before I proceed,
I want to give full disclosure. I am NOT a doctor, counselor, psychiatrist,
psychologist or social worker. My intent is not to provide medical advice.
Everything that I’m about to say and offer is built out on my own firsthand
experience and watching and walking with a number of people through the heart-wrenchingly painful process of divorce. This post, like all my others, is intended to prompt thought and conversation.

With that said, I want to be gentle here. My aim is not to hurt someone already going through a painful situation. I think where most churches and Christian fail in the area of counseling couples considering or going through a divorce is that, though true, they take the “God hates divorce, so you need to fight through this” stance. It is true that God hates divorce and I do agree that seeking reconciliation is always God’s heart, but that doesn’t always provide comfort or practical counsel for where the couple may be in real life. This post isn’t going to be that. It isn’t an attempt to encourage people to “make it work” or “give it another try.” I realize there’s a point in which one or both people decide they aren’t going to “try” any longer. So, as important as restoration is, it’s not this article. This article is intended for the couple that has already decided they can’t or won’t make it work and may be struggling with the idea of letting someone else into their life, on an intimate level, before the divorce is final. Let me just say, don’t. Don’t let anyone else in right now. It’s hard, but wait.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m divorced. I’ve been through it and dealt with this issue. It was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to navigate through; spiritually, emotionally, physically and legally. Thankfully, during that point in my life, I had people in my life that cared enough about what God wanted for me, my heart and the heart of my kids to be honest with me about the path I was considering. Since then, I’ve had similar conversations with at least a dozen people, some Christian, some not.

In almost every circumstance the person going through the divorce had the desire to seek intimacy with someone else or at least the impression that it would do them good. Part of the pain of divorce is the loneliness. It’s hard to go from being with someone 24/7 to not. During those moments the logical salve seems to be finding someone to fill that void. Unfortunately it isn’t that simple and typically doesn’t work out the way you thought it would. With that said, I know a number of couples that it did work for. It wasn’t perfect, but they’re still together and things seem to be good. I’m stoked for them, but they’re the exception, not the norm. There are a couple things, again, based off my own experience and multiple conversations, that are likely to happen when you start dating prior to finalizing the divorce. Here are three that
I’ve seen.

  1. It clouds your thoughts.
    Divorce is already “cloudy” enough. There’s so many emotions, feelings, doubt, hopes and desires that come with divorce, not to mention the whole figuring out what “regular” life looks like after it’s done. When I look back at  that time in my life, there are large chunks of time that are difficult to remember because of how clouded my thinking was. Adding a intimate relationship in the middle of all that only adds to the cloudiness. It may seem comforting and even euphoric at the time and might even distract you from the reality of it, but often times it complicates things far more. If you have children, it’s even more complicated. The best thing while going through a divorce is clarity, as much as possible anyway. Working through those thoughts and emotions is ultimately the best.
  2. It confuses the heart.
    Inviting in another intimate partner before your heart is healed from losing one, isn’t a cure. In fact it potentially creates deeper hurts. It’s very likely that opening yourself to a new relationship during the time when your heart is trying to heal may actually deepen the hurt. If not given the opportunity to heal properly, your heart isn’t able to extend healthy feelings of connection to a new partner. If you’re Christian, even without having sex with them, you’re committing adultery. It’s a heart issue and your heart isn’t free to give away yet.
  3. It conceals the Holy Spirits direction.
    For non-Christians you would call this your conscious. For Christians, like I already said, it’s adultery. It’s what Jesus was talking about when he talked about looking at someone with lust. It’s active sin to be in a relationship with someone prior to a finalized divorce. Living in active sin it conceals the voice of the Holy Spirit. Is as if all you’ll hear Him says to you is “Repent” and “Turn from your sin and return to me.” He doesn’t abandon you, He never forsakes us, but as you draw away from Him through active sin, you quit His voice and His call to return to Him becomes the cry of His heart.

Do you, first.

That means take the time to explore who you are. Figure out who you are. Divorce changes both people involved. There’s a lot of pressure to “get back in the game,” but that typically only complicates an already confusing situation. The thing that ended up being most beneficial for me, and others I’ve watched walk though this, was focusing on me. As I walked through the process, even in the midst of difficulty and hurt, I was able to figure out the kind of person I had become and the one I wanted to be, like a better father, a better husband (eventually), and a better friend, etc. I was able to focus on the relationships that were more important, i.e. with God, with my children, and other friends and family. And I was able to do it. I wasn’t perfect, but I had a better grasp on what it looked like to follow Jesus, to love my kids and even the type of woman I wanted to marry and the type of husband I needed to be for her, all without having to worry about building a relationship with another woman. Figuring me out became far more important to my well being than trying to eliminate the loneliness. In the process, I met amazing people and realized I wasn’t really that lonely. And, I eventually met the woman that became my gorgeous wife.

Take time to heal.

This is essential. One of the things that I’ve seen over and over is a relationship fall apart, between two people that otherwise seem like a good fit. What I’ve found to be the common denominator is that the one going through the divorce is still very hurt. Because they’re hurt, they cast onto the new person the same expectation of their ex-husband or ex-wife. They don’t intend to, but pain is sometimes blinding and hurt people, hurt people.

Typically it plays out like this: The new person does something similar to what the divorcing person’s ex might do, maybe work causes them to be late for a dinner date. Instead of letting this infraction stand as a single event, the divorcing person attributes it to the new person’s character and all of the sudden they’re just as undependable, inconsiderate and selfish as the ex. This may not be true at all, but the divorcing person can only see the new person’s actions through the filter of hurt that lead to and is caused by the divorce. After two or three of these types of interactions, the divorcing person ends the relationship and begins thinking things like, “All men/women are the same!” or “I’ll never find anyone that’ll be good to me.”

The truth is, if they took time to really heal, it might be easier to separate any new person from their ex. Because I’ve experienced it, genuine healing comes through Jesus. If you’re not Christian, I know that sounds foreign or possibly absurd to you. But, there’s a peace that comes with the healing that He offers. It creates wholeness in you. I understand the skepticism, so most times I’ll tell those I’m talking with to find someone that does pastoral counseling and be up front with them about not being a Christian. Even if you don’t “get saved” it can still be beneficial. If that’s too far out on the limb for you, then find a good counselor. Counseling has been invaluable for me, personally and in my marriage. However you do it, seek help so that you can begin healing. And not just while going through the divorce, but after its final, also. The finalization of divorce brings with it a whole new collection of feelings that may require help navigating through.

The last thing I’ll say is, be around people; don’t isolate yourself. Community is so important in providing a support network. It’s in community that you find wise counsel, encouragement, people to weep with you and people to cheer you up. Be with people.

If you’re interested theres a book called Healing for Damaged Emotions. It’s a great book.

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