Category: Father (Page 1 of 2)

Your Children are All Ears and All Eyes

ChildrenEver since my daughter started walking one of my favorite things is being able to hold her hand while we walk. Well, when she lets me; right now she is in the phase where she wants to do everything by herself and that includes walking. Sometimes I force her. I’m bigger than her, what’s she going to do?

One of the reasons I love it so much is because her hand is so small in mine and it reminds me of how much she needs me right now. It’s been that way with all of my children. Unfortunately, my sons are “too cool” to hold hands with them. I still get to put my arm around them and ruffle their hair, so I count that as the equivalent.

Our hand in God’s

Being able to do that with my children reminds me of how God does that for us. In Psalm 143:8 the writer expresses to God how much he needs and desires that closeness with God. He asks, “Let me hear Your loving-kindness in the morning; For I trust in You; Teach me the way in which I should walk; For to You I lift up my soul.” We get to be a reflection of that to our children. Even though what we offer is simply a shadow of the greater thing, we get to lead our children in the “way they should walk.”

All Ears, All Eyes

As parents, we need to be careful that we never discount or take for granted the responsibility we have in walking with our children. I love the way The Message puts it, saying, “If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice, I’ll go to sleep each night trusting in you. Point out the road I must travel; I’m all ears, all eyes before you.” Our children are “all eyes and ears before us” so we need to approach them in a way that elicits trust and a desire to follow the road that we lead them down. When we do that, we are building a foundation for them to sing that desire to their Father in heaven.

7 Things Your Son Needs to Hear from You

I have three sons. I first became a father at 20 years old. My third son was born when I was 33. By the time I met my third son, I was a different man, and especially a different father. At 33, I had experienced so much more life, and had matured. I had much more to offer my sons. While this made me a better father, especially for my third son; one of the saddest days of my life was when I realized how much I did not know at 20. I understand I did the best I knew to do. However, there are things I wish I had known to do for and say to my older sons.

I’ve thought a lot about what those things are and came up with seven things your son(s) need to hear from you.

You are important

Sons need to know they have value, not only in the world, but especially to their father. This involves allowing them to have a voice and listening to their opinions. They need to learn to present their opinions respectfully, and in turn, their opinions should be respected. The amount of value you assign to your son, feeds directly into the self-worth and self-confidence he will have as he grows into manhood.

Don’t quit

Inevitably your son will begin something that he will “really, really” want to do; then realize it is harder than he anticipated and decide to quit. Whatever the reason for wanting to quit, your son needs to learn to keep his commitments. One of the ways this lesson takes shape in our home, is when a child begins a sport, they will stay engaged throughout the entire season. Staying committed may be difficult. Throughout the season, we continue to cheer them on. To reinforce this lesson, we remain engaged with them, to the end. No one quits.

You’re not alone

This was a tough one for me. I was torn between wanting my sons to leave home at 18 years old, with a plan for their future, and wanting them to stay home so I knew they were safe.   We have a pretty definitive line for what post-graduation will look like if he has no plan: “You have to move out.” It turns out that telling your son he has to move out is harder than I expected. Despite this standard, I want my sons to know, “I’ve got you, Buddy. You can always come home.” This is not about enabling, but ensuring that your son knows he has someone in his corner and he will never be alone.

It is okay to fail

For some reason, everyone thinks they are the best at everything. Kids are no different. Losing has not only been eliminated as an option, but has become a catalyst for either despair or anger. It is now quite common to do away with losing and offer everyone a participation trophy. However, failing is real life. We all will fail. We cannot be the best at everything, and our sons need to know that. Neither can we allow failure to be what defines them. Your son needs to know that he will fail, but that does not count him out. Instead, it is an opportunity to press harder – to look for and discover his gifts.

Boys are allowed to cry

Until I was 33, I believed the lie that men do not cry. Your son needs to know that when he experiences profound hurt an appropriate response is deep sorrow or sadness. Deep sorrow may lead to weeping. That is okay. Weeping does not make your son less of a man. In fact, it will help him relate to others in emotionally healthy ways. And just so we are clear, “Jesus wept.

I’m Sorry

As fathers, we will mess up. Most of the time, your son will know when this happens. Chances are good that you are going to say or do something that hurts him. At some point, you will go too far. You need to apologize. Say you are sorry and mean it. Ask for his forgiveness. Let him know your actions were not his fault or responsibility. We teach our sons about forgiveness by humbling ourselves and asking them for the same.

I love you

I am saving the most important for last. Remember to tell him you love him. Say it every day. Say it multiple times a day. Your son needs to hear you say the words. Do not ever think it is assumed or known. Your ability to communicate love will help your son communicate love to others. Your words will allow him to accept love from others, most importantly God. Your son will grow up knowing it isn’t gross, silly, or awkward to express love for others. Your success as a parent lies in your children knowing you love them.

As parents, as fathers, we have all failed and will fail again. I suspect you are like me. We have regrets. Some regrets may be significant. However, it’s never too late to change. If these are new habits for you, start now. We need to be reminded that these lessons are just as true for us as they are for our sons. We are important to our sons. We are not alone. At some point you will fail. It’s okay to have regret – even to the point of weeping. Ask for and give forgiveness. Never stop telling your son you love him. Don’t quit.

3 Roles Your Daughter Needs You to Fill

daughter, father

I had only ever been a father to boys. I love my 3 boys. They have completely, different personalities. But even with their wide range in age and personalities; there are many similarities in how you parent them. With twelve years between my oldest and youngest sons, I have learned a lot about how to parent boys. However, in November of 2014 things changed. My wife gave birth to a baby girl.

My little girl. She showed up the day before Thanksgiving. She pushed this parenting commitment to a different plane. As much as I feel the need to protect my sons, as each has moved closer to manhood, there is an increasing degree of release as I ask them to implement what I have taught them. However, with my daughter, I cannot see that being the case. I believe I will always hold this intrinsic desire to protect her. And not to shelter her from the world, but legitimately protect her from those that would seek to take advantage of and hurt her. Even into adulthood. Call it archaic, but this is how I feel.

I have spent a lot of time thinking on the differences of being a father to a daughter. I recently discussed this with a friend who is writing a book. His book will be a collective of lessons from fathers. Each will share a particular piece of wisdom they have gleaned from years of fathering daughters. This book is sure to prompt productive conversation. We discussed the different roles we need to fill, for the sake of our daughters. As we talked, it became clear there are at least three roles that our daughters need us to fulfill, for their future and well-being.

Your daughter needs you to be…

A husband to your wife

It is as important to your daughter, as it is to your wife, that you are a good husband. We need to be serving our wife, placing her needs above ours, and making sure she feels loved and protected. Our daughters will expect from their husbands what they recall from their fathers. The husband that you are to your wife, will be the husband that your daughter desires.

A role model for men

Inevitably, whether we like it or not, our daughters are going to interact with lots of men. Most of them will not fall into the husband category. Because of this, we need them to know how other men, who are not their husband or family, should treat them. It will be important for our daughters to know how to develop and maintain healthy and safe boundaries with men. We want our daughters to have an expectation for the way men should talk to and about them. We want them to expect men to view them as strong and valuable members of all of our social and professional spaces. Additionally, we need to model manhood, to other men, with the expectation that we are training them to interact with our daughters.

A daddy to her

This is different than being a father. There are memories that you, as her daddy, will share with her. No other man, not even her husband, will experience them. Tea parties, first snuggles, first kisses, first dances; those are yours to share and she needs this. Those moments will mold important aspects of her character and creativity. You will lay the initial blocks of trust and security. You will have a part in writing the scripts, in her imagination, that may one day blossom into a masterpiece. You will tend the garden of grace and forgiveness that she will one day surely need to harvest. You will be the gatekeeper to a home of joy, or one of hurt. She needs a daddy that will build a house of joy.

At the end of the day, whether you have sons or daughters, they need you to fill these roles. Sons will learn from us, how to treat all the women in their life, including their own daughters. Sons need a daddy too. The memories may be different, we trade tea parties for monster trucks, but in principle the lessons are the same. All of our children need us to fulfill these roles. And whether or not you are confident in your ability to fulfill those roles, Jesus enables us to fill them in the healthy and whole way we were created to.

And to the father who struggles, or who has even failed up to this day; you have a Father in Heaven who can change you. He will make you the father and the daddy that your daughter needs. God desires to create in you a clean heart…and renew a steadfast spirit within you. He will make a way for you. It is possible, and it is imperative, that you begin today. Perfection in a day is not expected; but showing up and working towards this goal is the best for both you and your daughter.

It is in Him that we find the grace and wisdom to be better husbands, better role models and better daddies.

Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.
~ Psalm 103:13 ~

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