Category: Relationships (Page 1 of 5)

Your Children are All Ears and All Eyes

ChildrenEver since my daughter started walking one of my favorite things is being able to hold her hand while we walk. Well, when she lets me; right now she is in the phase where she wants to do everything by herself and that includes walking. Sometimes I force her. I’m bigger than her, what’s she going to do?

One of the reasons I love it so much is because her hand is so small in mine and it reminds me of how much she needs me right now. It’s been that way with all of my children. Unfortunately, my sons are “too cool” to hold hands with them. I still get to put my arm around them and ruffle their hair, so I count that as the equivalent.

Our hand in God’s

Being able to do that with my children reminds me of how God does that for us. In Psalm 143:8 the writer expresses to God how much he needs and desires that closeness with God. He asks, “Let me hear Your loving-kindness in the morning; For I trust in You; Teach me the way in which I should walk; For to You I lift up my soul.” We get to be a reflection of that to our children. Even though what we offer is simply a shadow of the greater thing, we get to lead our children in the “way they should walk.”

All Ears, All Eyes

As parents, we need to be careful that we never discount or take for granted the responsibility we have in walking with our children. I love the way The Message puts it, saying, “If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice, I’ll go to sleep each night trusting in you. Point out the road I must travel; I’m all ears, all eyes before you.” Our children are “all eyes and ears before us” so we need to approach them in a way that elicits trust and a desire to follow the road that we lead them down. When we do that, we are building a foundation for them to sing that desire to their Father in heaven.

Intimacy is More than Physical

Intimacy

When culture speaks to the topic of intimacy, it is assumed the discussion will be about the physical, sexual act. Unfortunately, when we try to boil down something as intricate and deep as intimacy, we miss a lot of important stuff. And because that important stuff, is the stuff of healthy relationships, we settle for shallow connections. In fact, when you look up the definition of intimacy, of the 7 definitions, sex does not appear until number 6. This is because intimacy is so much more than sex.

Does intimacy include the physical aspect? Yes. Before we consider the physical act, there are at least 3 other forms of intimacy that are necessary. Following are areas of intimacy we should first concentrate on, if we desire to cultivate a healthy relationship.

Intellectual Intimacy

This is the sharing of ideas and opinions. The goal is to discover similarities and differences in how you relate to the world. Intellectual intimacy may take some time to develop, because it requires getting past the infatuation stage. This stage is the place where you are willing to be agreeable to nearly anything, as long as you can just be next to that person. Infatuation initially builds intimacy out wide, but not deep. Intellectual intimacy is greater than infatuation. Once you are able to move past infatuation, to the place where you can share your genuine views, then intellectual intimacy will flourish.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy has to do with the ability to share personal experiences and the internal feelings associated with them. This is often a difficult area of intimacy for many people because it requires vulnerability and trust. Trust is key for success in this area. And because real trust takes time to build; emotional intimacy is an exercise in patience and practice. Moreover, true emotional intimacy is not an area of intimacy that can or will be rushed.

Spiritual Intimacy

This can be a complex type of intimacy. If you are a Christian, this is about closeness to God as shared with your partner. It has to do with building your own deep intimacy with God, and sharing with each other, so you are united. Initially, your responsibility for spiritual intimacy is fairly restricted. You should concentrate on being concerned with growing your relationship with God, and encouraging your partner to grow their relationship with God. As you grow closer, you will bring your together relationship to God. If you are not a Christian, this area has to do with growing deeply in those areas that you hold sacred. This is far more profound than emotional intimacy. Spiritual intimacy takes more time than other areas.

These 3 areas of intimacy are especially important if you are just beginning a relationship. Your ability to cultivate intimacy, in these areas of your relationship, is crucial to its future and health. It can also be a good “measuring stick” concerning the potential of a future with this person. If together, you cannot develop intimacy in these first 3 areas, before the physical aspect of your relationship, I would suggest that you take a serious look at what you are actually building together.

If you are already in a relationship, dating/engaged/married, then these are the areas of intimacy that you must continually work at maintaining. When it comes to intimacy, you never fully “arrive.” As long as you are both growing, there will always be a need for deeper knowing.

If you are a Christian that grew up with the “True Love Waits” teaching in youth group; I am not pitching a “sex before marriage will ruin it” theology. I do believe that sex is the physical expression of a deeply, cultivated love and meant to happen within the boundaries of marriage. I am not so naïve as to believe that everyone takes this same stance. What I am saying is that physical intimacy is meant to be experienced after the culmination of deeply mining out these other areas of intimacy. That takes time. If you take this time to more profoundly know your partner, your relationship will naturally move toward physical intimacy based on a continued desire to know, rather than a feeling of lust. When you realize that this is happening, marriage is a logical conversation.

Ultimately our desire for intimacy is a product of how God created us and is echoed in Jesus’s prayer in John 17.

20 “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, 21 that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.22 The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, 23 I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.

7 Things Your Son Needs to Hear from You

I have three sons. I first became a father at 20 years old. My third son was born when I was 33. By the time I met my third son, I was a different man, and especially a different father. At 33, I had experienced so much more life, and had matured. I had much more to offer my sons. While this made me a better father, especially for my third son; one of the saddest days of my life was when I realized how much I did not know at 20. I understand I did the best I knew to do. However, there are things I wish I had known to do for and say to my older sons.

I’ve thought a lot about what those things are and came up with seven things your son(s) need to hear from you.

You are important

Sons need to know they have value, not only in the world, but especially to their father. This involves allowing them to have a voice and listening to their opinions. They need to learn to present their opinions respectfully, and in turn, their opinions should be respected. The amount of value you assign to your son, feeds directly into the self-worth and self-confidence he will have as he grows into manhood.

Don’t quit

Inevitably your son will begin something that he will “really, really” want to do; then realize it is harder than he anticipated and decide to quit. Whatever the reason for wanting to quit, your son needs to learn to keep his commitments. One of the ways this lesson takes shape in our home, is when a child begins a sport, they will stay engaged throughout the entire season. Staying committed may be difficult. Throughout the season, we continue to cheer them on. To reinforce this lesson, we remain engaged with them, to the end. No one quits.

You’re not alone

This was a tough one for me. I was torn between wanting my sons to leave home at 18 years old, with a plan for their future, and wanting them to stay home so I knew they were safe.   We have a pretty definitive line for what post-graduation will look like if he has no plan: “You have to move out.” It turns out that telling your son he has to move out is harder than I expected. Despite this standard, I want my sons to know, “I’ve got you, Buddy. You can always come home.” This is not about enabling, but ensuring that your son knows he has someone in his corner and he will never be alone.

It is okay to fail

For some reason, everyone thinks they are the best at everything. Kids are no different. Losing has not only been eliminated as an option, but has become a catalyst for either despair or anger. It is now quite common to do away with losing and offer everyone a participation trophy. However, failing is real life. We all will fail. We cannot be the best at everything, and our sons need to know that. Neither can we allow failure to be what defines them. Your son needs to know that he will fail, but that does not count him out. Instead, it is an opportunity to press harder – to look for and discover his gifts.

Boys are allowed to cry

Until I was 33, I believed the lie that men do not cry. Your son needs to know that when he experiences profound hurt an appropriate response is deep sorrow or sadness. Deep sorrow may lead to weeping. That is okay. Weeping does not make your son less of a man. In fact, it will help him relate to others in emotionally healthy ways. And just so we are clear, “Jesus wept.

I’m Sorry

As fathers, we will mess up. Most of the time, your son will know when this happens. Chances are good that you are going to say or do something that hurts him. At some point, you will go too far. You need to apologize. Say you are sorry and mean it. Ask for his forgiveness. Let him know your actions were not his fault or responsibility. We teach our sons about forgiveness by humbling ourselves and asking them for the same.

I love you

I am saving the most important for last. Remember to tell him you love him. Say it every day. Say it multiple times a day. Your son needs to hear you say the words. Do not ever think it is assumed or known. Your ability to communicate love will help your son communicate love to others. Your words will allow him to accept love from others, most importantly God. Your son will grow up knowing it isn’t gross, silly, or awkward to express love for others. Your success as a parent lies in your children knowing you love them.

As parents, as fathers, we have all failed and will fail again. I suspect you are like me. We have regrets. Some regrets may be significant. However, it’s never too late to change. If these are new habits for you, start now. We need to be reminded that these lessons are just as true for us as they are for our sons. We are important to our sons. We are not alone. At some point you will fail. It’s okay to have regret – even to the point of weeping. Ask for and give forgiveness. Never stop telling your son you love him. Don’t quit.

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