Category: Sex

How to Measure Manhood

Arm wrestling competition

Being physically strong, making money, having power, and not taking guff from anyone have all been etched into the measuring stick of manhood. History has provided very specific male stereotypes, a favorite being John Wayne.

For several generations, this measure of a man remained both popular and unchallenged. Today, defining a man inside of our culture has become increasingly difficult as the definition is challenged and examined. Our cultural definition now includes that a man can be metrosexual or effeminate and still be a man. It could be said that today, manhood is simply a result of one’s maleness. However, this is not true because our culture now says a woman can be a man and vice versa.

The list for what constitutes a man continues to be more confusing. When I was growing up, I was told that what makes a man is to not hit or disrespect a woman. Of course that’s a really important aspect of manhood; but I wasn’t told how a man was supposed to treat a woman. Except I was. By Hollywood.

One of Hollywood’s greatest measures of a man was that the man always got the girl. This usually included that the man had sex with her. There are so many movies where the dad gave his son an “atta-boy” shoulder slug, or an approving nod and wink, at the news of the son’s first kiss or sexual encounter. The dad was always proud of the son. This has not changed.

The band Maroon 5 recently released a song called Sugar. The music is upbeat and fun. A song that you might dance to at, say a wedding. Until you actually listen to the lyrics and realize it isn’t a song that you should have your 7-year-old son listen to. Truthfully, I’d prefer my 16 and 18 year old sons didn’t listen to it either. Before I continue, let me clarify that I’m not that “all secular music is from the devil” guy. I love music. All kinds; except Kanya, he’s his biggest fan and doesn’t need me. For a song to make my, “Do Not Play” list it really needs to send the wrong message. Sugar does just this.

Sugar really wasn’t a song I was listening to; it was my wife who pointed out the lyrics to me. Specifically the words:

“Yeah, I want that red velvet. I want that sugar sweet. Don’t let nobody touch it, unless that somebody is me. I gotta be a man, there ain’t no other way.”

If you weren’t able to put that together, “sugar” is sex. Mr. Levine is singing that in order to be a man he needs to have sex with her because there’s “no other way.”

Maybe you’re thinking I’m over reacting and that it’s just a song. Maybe I am. However, that is the message of the song. Sugar’s message is no different from what so many others in entertainment portray as the measure of a man. Sex seems to be the one thing that many guys agree is the measure of a man.

Your ability to have sex with a woman doesn’t make you a man. I’ve known so many boys that have had sex and never acted like a man. I was one of them and to be clear, getting married at 19 didn’t change that. In fact, having sex will often reveal areas you are lacking in before it will reveal how much of a man you are – or are not. The ability to have sex does not signal your manhood; it simply means that your body functions as it was created to.

If we take sex out of the picture, then how should we define a man?

For Christians, the place to look for the definition of a man is the Bible and to the person of Jesus. In Jesus we see the perfect joining of some of the traits that we separate or remove when defining masculinity including; strength, justice, gentleness, grace, wrath, love, confidence, humility, etc. One of the main writers of the New Testament, Paul, knew this. In 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 he says, “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.” Then in his letter to Timothy, a leader in the church, he writes, “But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness.”

In both instances we see Paul framing manhood and masculinity with words that have nothing to do with pursuing profession, possessions, persons, power – or sex. Instead he tell us to pursue the things of God, that ultimately glorify Him and benefit others. True manhood has little to do with what we desire or achieve.

One of the best ways to display masculinity is to move our focus off ourselves and our desires and onto serving and standing for others, especially those that aren’t able to do it for themselves.

If we desire to be real men and to raise real men; our focus must be the pursuit of Jesus and the traits that reveal Him to others.

Do I Need to Confess My Adultery?

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A few years ago, I was counseling a guy who had been hiding his affair from his wife. He had long since ended contact with the other woman, and even confessed his affair to a chaplain friend. However, he continued to hide the truth from his wife. On the day he confessed the affair to me, he was in the midst of struggling with the need to confess to his wife. I wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t confessed to his wife, or that he was struggling with whether or not to do so. What did surprise me was the advice that he received from his chaplain friend.

The chaplain friend, a Protestant Christian, suggested that confessing his affair to his wife would destroy her sense of security and safety in the marriage. The chaplain told him that because he was repentant and confessed (in this case to the chaplain), there wasn’t necessarily a requirement for him to confess his affair to his wife. I have several concerns regarding the chaplain’s advice.

The idea that you will destroy the security and safety of marriage, for your wife, by confessing to adultery is absurd. By committing adultery you have already destroyed her security and safety. Whether or not your wife is aware of your adultery is irrelevant. Any perception of security and safety a wife holds in the marriage, after her husband commits his body to another woman, is false. It is akin to erecting a fence made of cardboard and then painting the cardboard to look like a wooden fence. The owner may see a wooden fence, but it remains cardboard. The painting does not make for a strong fence. By committing adultery, you’ve already decided for your wife that your marriage is not a safe place. Along with that, if you think she doesn’t know, you’re wrong. She knows. Even while she doesn’t know the details; she knows something has changed.

I made the decision to have an affair during my first marriage. I never confessed. Eight years later, during our divorce, I finally confessed to everything. Her response to me was, “I know. I always knew. I was just waiting for you to tell me.”

Your wife knows.

Additionally, the advice that you don’t need to confess to your wife, because you already confessed to someone, is a hard pill for me to swallow. Aside from the legalism found in that advice, I have difficulty with it because it opposes what Jesus said in Matthew 5:23-24. While Jesus was preaching the Sermon on the Mount, and teaching on anger and offenses, He said, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Jesus is saying that if we have committed an offense that causes, or would cause, someone to be angry at us; we need to go to that person, settle the issue and reestablish our close relationship. If he takes that stance with a “brother” (or sister), how much more do His words apply to the one that is intended to be the other half of our one?

Saying that it is not necessary to confess your adultery to your wife, is a cowardly and legalistic way of attempting to fulfill the call to “confess your sins to one another” without having to face the earthly consequences of your sin. Saying this ignores Jesus’s command to “love God and others” and Paul’s prompting for husbands to love their “wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her…” When you gave your body up to another woman, you ceased giving yourself up for your wife.

“Do I need to confess my adultery to my wife?” No, you do not. There is nothing that requires you to confess to your wife. Arguments could be made that scripture recommends it, but there isn’t anything that specifically states you must confess to her. However, I believe asking that question is weak. By the time you get to that question, you already know that you should confess. But you may still be looking for someone to tell you that it is not required.

“Do I need to confess my adultery to my wife?” That is the wrong question to ask. A better question is, “WHEN do I need to confess my adultery to my wife?” If you desire real intimacy with Jesus and your wife; eventually the weight of your sin will become too heavy to bear. The Holy Spirit will change your heart and give you the desire to confess to your wife.

Route 1520 says it like this on their FAQ page:

“Eventually you will want to tell her. Why live another day without the true intimacy of really being known? Why wonder whether or not she would leave if she found out? You don’t need to tell her every detail of your acting out, but she will need to know the general nature of it. It is important to find a truly humble and willing heart first. You should also be totally committed to your marriage and to sobriety from all sexual sins before you talk to her. You may need the help of a pastor or counselor to get honest with her. Your wife will also need lots of support. Don’t expect her to just forgive and forget. Rebuilding trust and finding true intimacy will be a lifetime journey.”

You do not have to tell her. However, if you desire true intimacy with the other half of your one, you will want your wife to know.

If you’re struggling with adultery, sexual addiction or pornography there is hope; there is help. Route 1520 is a ministry dedicated to helping those struggling with these addictions and their families discover the freedom offered by the Gospel. You can contact them HERE.

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